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You all know by now that I like to keep it real in this column. Since creating this space where I feel like I can freely share my thoughts and experiences, it’s hard to sugar-coat things. So, let’s catch up – it’s been a while.

This year has been a whirlwind so far, but these days, what years aren’t? As far as life is concerned, it appears to me as though everything is shifting for us constantly, sometimes slowly, sometimes incredibly fast. This year as served to be the latter thus far. The cyclic stream of highs and lows, battles to be fought, pillars to be built, fears to overcome – all of these coincide with the subtle nuances of daily living. Hence why, it seems to me it’s very easy to get caught up in all the things that take us away from what matters most.

In the midst of my whirlwind, I was hit with a realization. I saw myself standing in a dark room, with a large stone desk straight in front of me. There was a creature behind the desk – large, black as night, intimidating – it was standing in front of a large door. Beyond the door, I could see a world very similar to how I imagine heaven: lush, golden, bursting with life and love and colors more vibrant than any we can perceive here in this world. Streams and waterfalls abounded, mountains rose well above the clouds, yet everything was touched by the pure, golden light of Yahweh’s throne.

But, the desk and the creature were in the way of the door – and I was told this was my “telling point.” I gave some thought to what that might mean, but knew deep in my heart that this would take some time to understand, to live, to experience. So, I trusted Christ would show me in time.

I again got caught up in the whirlwind – growing increasingly hardened by things not going “my way” as each day passed. I started getting angry with God, wondering why it seemed like everything I was doing wasn’t enough to achieve the things I felt I needed. I would take on more tasks, work longer hours, try harder to take things off others plates hoping that maybe I would be granted God’s favor.

“Look God, look at all I’m doing! I’m trying my best here. What more do you want from me God? What am I missing? Aren’t I a good person?”

I recognized that things were going downhill rapidly, mentally and emotionally I was shot and started turning numb. I had been there before and knew it was time for help. I started seeing my counselor to get back on track. My first few sessions were extremely eye-opening – the things I thought were the problem really weren’t it at all (go figure). And I started to realize what my telling point was after all.

Matthew 22:36-40: “Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?”  Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.”

“Love your neighbor as yourself,” Christ said. What does that mean? Well, I was recently reminded that it means we cannot love anything if we don’t first love us – wholly, fully, deeply and unconditionally. If we don’t love ourselves, we cannot love anyone, anything … not even God Himself.

The creature standing behind the desk, in front of the door? It was me. Well, it was how I perceived myself – something unlovable, hard, cold, menacing … something unworthy of all the grace God has for me. I had been standing in my own way (literally) from just simply moving past the creature (the perception of myself I let live inside my heart, mind and soul), and stepping into the world God granted me, a world where fear cannot hold you back, because fear is not of God.

I know I’ve talked about this before, feeling unworthy of love. As we all know, the hardest advice to take is our own. So, this column more so than anything is a reminder for all of us to not let ourselves believe we are unworthy of anything – especially God’s love.

And also, to remember that darkness will try anything it can to twist our perception of what is real and what is not. I had been waiting all this time on God to tell/show me that I had passed the test, that I had received His permission to get to the next level, that I had done a good job. Guess what? God doesn’t test us. Nope – He sent His Only Son to die for us so that we could receive eternal life. His love is not something earned, it’s already been granted! I had forgotten what that meant, I bought into the lie – the tactics of the devil – and felt like I had to earn a love I have always known. And in it all, I realized that it was God who was waiting on me … to give grace to myself. For love hinges on grace, and the most important person we can give grace to … is ourselves.

To everyone who reads this, thank you for taking the time and bearing with me as I learn and grow. I know God has laid it on my heart to continue writing, and that this will be the reminder someone out there needed.

You are loved, you are worthy, and you are deserving of every good and pure thing this world has to offer.

Danielle Puleo is a staff writer for The Coastland Times. Reach her at danielle.puleo@thecoastlandtimes.com.

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